Tuesday, November 1, 2011

Why I Think I'm a Chef:


  1. Because I watch Food Network



Ummm, that's it. Sorry, were you expecting more reasons? Something like a culinary degree? Cooking experience? Owning top of the line utensils and cookware? Well, you need to drastically lower your expectations because I don't have any of that. What I do have is an all-inclusive cable package, a cupboard of mismatched pots and pans, and a $5 utensil set from Walmart. Is anything else really necessary to make culinary magic?!

Yes.

What I lack is the patience to cook. If it was something I could do in one continuous set of steps, I'd be all over it, especially considering the delicious results. I can't stand having to hop up and down to go check on water to see if it's boiling yet, looking in the oven every 30 minutes over the course of 5 hours to make sure something isn't burning, or adding one ingredient every 15 minutes and then standing there stirring continuously. Not to mention the fact that I only have two square feet of counter space, so I have to make every individual dish one at a time. By the time my bland potatoes are done, my pasta is done boiling and my chicken is done grilling, I've been standing in that kitchen for hours! All for a meal that'll be devoured in 24.8 minutes. Maybe if I had one of those fancy flip-down TVs in the kitchen so I could watch my shows as I slave, I'd be less likely to burn things because I went into the other room to rewind my show to the point I last left off and get caught up watching for too long.

Most importantly: Where's the payoff?! Why do I have to ASK every time, "So?", "Well?" or "How is it?" I feel like my chef-ery should be acknowledged automatically, dammit! If I actually prepare something from scratch, I feel like it's a pretty big freaking deal! Especially considering I wasn't even allowed to go into the kitchen for water without permission until I was 18 (true story), the amount of culinary knowledge I've amassed in the past 6 years is astounding... ok, maybe that's too strong of a word, lol. Either way, I feel like I'm playing catch up, so when I do manage to prepare something edible that didn't come with the instructions "Peel back corner of film to vent", it ought to be appreciated!

In all honesty, this has become another situation like the robe, with me feeling like once I bought a set of matching pots and pans and a crock pot that I'd be whipping up deliciousness on a daily basis. That dream is yet to be realized. However, I did make something delicious yesterday, from scratch, with no help!! I made baked eggs, cheese and bacon in hash brown nests with toast and orange slices. My husband took his into the bedroom, so I went in after a few minutes to see how he thought they tasted. I put a lot of work into those little bastards, I wanted some damn praise! "So, how are they?" I ask, fishing for that compliment that I so desire. What do I get? A nod. No eye contact, no words, no smile. Just a nod. Really? I hope to hell he enjoys cornflakes, because that's just become the main staple in his diet! Well, at least for meals I cook... which is like 3/week. Damn, I can't even make a good threat.

I'm willing to make a deal. When he gets me this kitchen:
Pinned Image

I'll cook every day.
At first.
Weekends for sure.
Mostly.
Ok, throw in all new cookware and we have a deal!